Why Be Nice?

Given my life history, there are only a couple of people who know me from almost the beginning, and only one with whom I have had constanct contact for over forty-five years, and that is my best friend from elementary school in St. Joseph, MO, Mark Smith. We are "blood brothers" in the sense of having taken that Native American stuff seriously and actually pressed bleeding cuts against one another (I know, I know ... we were kids for God's sake!).

I left St. Joe just after the Sixth Grade, but Mark and I stayed in contact over the years and the various ups and downs of life. After reading my post "Memphis Blues" Mark asked me the question, "Why be nice?"

I refrained from inquiring as to why he asked, since we have been friends long enough to have had some less-than-nice encounters (I recall a couple of fist-fights and he once smacked me in the kisser with the butt-end of a rifle), but it got me to thinking: Why Be Nice? And I have come up with three answers.

The first is that it is simply part of the social contract; we are nice to each other because it greases the wheels of life and just helps the day go far better. When I am working on a bike and get in way over my head, I call CLS Cycles, a little independent bike shop in Cave Creek. There are only a couple of guys there, but they are invariably helpful, courteous, generous with their time ... in other words, nice. I thanked Cameron (the owner) one day and complimented him on the attitude of the shop. He looked at me and said, "I just treat you the way I want to be treated." Pretty cool and a perfect example of the social contract. Imagine if we put that into practice on the road and extended courtesy to others, like letting someone in in front of you instead of hitting the horn and putting the pedal to the metal, as is the wont of most of us American drivers?

Perhaps this kind of interaction is "phoney" in the sense that such behavior is automatic, but that is OK, because behavior can affect our attitude and suddenly that which we had been doing by rote becomes internalized and a part of us. I am no longer "being" nice, I am nice! Like they say in marriage counseling, "Fake it 'til you make it."

Second, sometimes being nice can change another person's behavior or attitude. At Sherwood Elementary School we had a principle, Mercedes Gibson, whom we called "Merciless Gabson". She was a tough old gal and I can remember complaining about her to my mom. Now, back in the day if you complained about a teacher your parents did not go running to the school to find out why they were treating Their Precious unfairly but instead told you that you probably deserved it. Mom was of that mold and just looked at me and said, "Why don't you try being nice to her?"

I figured I had nothing to lose, so I started saying "Good morning Mrs. Gibson;" "How are you Mrs. Gibson?"; "Can I help out, Mrs. Gibson?" And doggone it if mom wasn't right. All of a sudden Mrs. Gibson and I did not have a problem. Who'd a thought?

Which leads me to the third and in my mind most important, reason to be nice: because it is the right thing to do. It is a form of action instead of reaction. I am choosing of my own free will who I will be and how I will act, rather than responding to the actions of another and allow them to determine who I will be. It is an ultimate act of freedom because I am choosing to be master of my life rather than giving that power to another. It takes guts and discipline and there is no promise of reward, but like I said in Jazz Man, sometimes doing the right thing is it's own reward.